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mixed feelings

ImageToday is one of those days that you just can’t wait to be over. Not the night really because I get to spend it with my fiancee, but the day in itself is just so bland. There are many things going through my mind and I would like a break. Things at work seem OK but in reality there’s something fishy in the air and I’m pretty sure it has to do with me. My manager is doing things that make me suspicious of everything and that just deflates any motivation I have to perform at work. Don’t get me wrong, my supervisor believes that I’m very efficient and I believe that I’m good at my job. But the other supervisor in my department is really “tight” with the manager and to be honest I don’t like him at all. 

He appears to be a “nice” person, but he’s the kind of guy that smiles in your face and stabs you in the back. I hate hypocrites and he’s a flaming one. Recently we had a minor brush that prompted the manager to write me an email clearly stating that as supervisor he is competent and has all the support from the manager. In other words “I don’t give a f**k if your arguments might be right, he’s the supervisor, do as he says” {He even wrote “he” in capital letters to emphasize…as if he was God pffft} 

That’s just work, law school has me very anxious about my final this semester. We are supposed to do an oral argument in front of a panel of three actual judges from the Federal Court. I’m not so sure about my legal writing skills much less about my oral skills, and I have to persuade those judges to be in favor of a position that’s cause of real controversy recently {I represent a gay couple that want to get divorced and in order to do it they have to validate the marriage in Puerto Rico, which of course they don’t according to DOMA}. I wanna make a good impression on these judges because they are potential employers or they can recommend you based on this performance. This is all exciting for me because I want to challenge myself to talk about a topic that causes stir, but at the same time I’m horrified at the possibility that I don’t perform as I expect and end up making a fool of myself. These concerns in my head won’t let me concentrate or relax and they have me wishing I didn’t have to work so I could have more time in the day to prepare. Or it makes me hope I might win the lottery so I have time to study, or it makes me daydream in a world where the days have 36 hours instead of 24.

The other thing is getting our house ready and the money we need. Getting married is a joy, don’t get me wrong, but it’s also expensive and although my parents are being extremely generous, we still worry about money. Right now my credit cards are behind, a few days, but behind nonetheless. I get calls from a certain credit card company every two to four hours and I just checked my available balance and it’s $10.00. A very gloomy place to be in. The only comfort I have is the support of my family and the love of my fiancee. He’s always saying that “life gets tough but it doesn’t kill you” and we are living by that. I just hope that we can both find the sort of stability that enables us not to worry about money. We don’t wanna be rich, we just don’t want any debt.

But in turn I am getting married next week to my favorite man in the world, a kind, hard working, funny loving man and is this thought precisely that calms everything else that is going on. Because in the end everything’s gonna be OK as long as I have the love and support of my family and my future husband.

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I am a young woman discovering myself while juggling life, marriage and law school

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